So today I was driving home and I had a revolution of ideas about myself. I've always wondered why it is that I can't have a relationship with either a guy or a girl until I got thinking today. In the past years I put myself through so much pain and so much agony that I came to a point in my life where I simply did not care anymore.... I gave up. I felt no more pain and sadness in my struggle in trying to make a contradiction not contradict. How can I be a gay Christian I've always wondered and it split me in two. Every day I would think continuously into this contradiction until one day, I simply did not care any more. It drove me to a point of mental stillness, a simple numbness to the idea of being with someone. I can not see myself ever being with someone until I fix what is going on inside of me but at this point in time I'm not sure if I ever will..... and to be honest I'm not certain that I care either. I'm uncertain if this is a breakthrough or a fallback but at least I'm not thinking about love anymore. The way I figure, my love life is insignificant compared to many things in this world and although it hurts there are so much more important things in my life to think about and consider. Maybe one day I will be with a woman.... or a man... but at this moment in life I seem to push people away in fear that I will actually maybe.. might possibly fall in love with them. I wonder why I do this? If anyone has an attraction toward me I seem to push them away in fear that I may love them back. This scares me... and their love for me scares me. Perhaps all the pain I've gone through trying to figure out who I am has simply made me afraid to love anyone or has made me grown numb to such feelings. Even then, I don't care but only slightly and I often wonder if this is a healthy thing.