Yesturday I found out my mom has a tumor. It's about the size of my fist and it's located on her liver of all places. At the moment it isn't growing but it's still a tumor.... and it's on her liver, a place that is possibly the worst. People say writing in journals is like talking to God, it makes you calm down and that when you write letters to God that He actually reads them. President Lincoln used to do that. When he was upset with someone or upset he would write them a letter of all the reasons why he was upset with them and then he would put it in an envelope and then set it in his desk, never to be read by them... but to him that was therapy. So I guess I'll write this to God and if anyone else reads this, don't tell me you read it because this is God's letter. LORD, what am I suppose to say to the most high God. I'd prefer to write this in a written journal so it would be more private, just between You and me but You know as well as I do it seems that I never actually get around to writing in that thing even though I keep telling myself I'll start today. I've noticed you've changed me a lot lately, I'm no longer as angry as I was for the foolish reasons I've been angry and I'm not so prone in my sin anymore. In fact I no longer believe that is who I am but instead I am Your's and you made me perfect in all ways. I don't yet believe in my heart that I'm forgiven completely and that you love me when I do bad even but in my head I do believe... I just need you to help me believe God. I don't really feel like writing this letter God but I'm going to anyways because You know I love You even if I do often turn away from You. God I ask you that you help me read Your Word more so that I can grow in you because You tell me all the time that Your Word is my bread and without it I'll dwindle and fall behind. It's true, when I go a while without reading it I feel depressed and lonely and that's where I am right now. It's times like these God that I need you the most; It's right now Lord that I need to know you are still there and are still watching me, showing grace on me and loving me.

Who am I really? You know exactly who I am. You made me, You drew me, You wrote my life before and after and read it. You knew my name before I was even born and spoke it to life. You knew what I would do today and what I will do tomorrow with complete perfect memory and You see me in heaven before I'm even there. You knew what I would be like 20 years from now even when I was still an infant in the womb and it's there that you brought me to life, watched me and took care of me as if I'm Your own son. You loved me from the beginning and even though I love You I know Your love is greater. You spared me from making mistakes that I would always regret and you saved me from people who could ruin my life. Even now I've seen your hand at work before me, shaping my way and leading me to your doorstep. Even now I see you protect me from evils I had no knowledge of and wickedness I only just recently discovered in this world. So God, I know You are great, I know You are true and I know You are the true Master of the Universe... and whatever is beyond that. You are God and I know you are real and I believe in You and what You did for me 2,000 years ago on that cross.... You died for me... You took my cup....

So God I recognize Your power and Your grace and so now I want to open up to you God, I'm tired of playing games in my life and going back and forth between good and evil. They say writing is better than words because words simply fade away but written words stick. So I right my pledge to you God that I do believe you died on the cross for me and that I know I am a child of Your's God. I  believe it, so help me believe truly in my heart. As a child of Your's I ask on behalf of my mother that you cure her God and that you take away the thing inside of her. I don't know what else to say Lord, I prevent myself from saying certain things because I know someone might read this but this isn't for them this is for You God. Perhaps I should have written this, but You and I both know I would have never gotten around to it. So God please read this letter... or email... whatever it is and please God bless my mom, bless me, and save my dad. Save my best friend and help my other friend always be close to you. Help my country come back to You God and let them believe in You again and let this become a nation of God once more.... whatever it takes to get it to become that. That's all for now, I should have just said this in prayer but writing calms me and I'd rather write to you. thank you Jesus.

Future

I don't believe I've ever had a more boring month :P It seems everything has gone from one extreme to the next in such a short period of time. I can't wait for thanksgiving; my uncle who I haven't seen in about 10 years is going to be visiting. My dad however hates my uncle and is already planning to fight him.... can't we have at least ONE normal holiday especially with the fact that my entire family is losing money and this may very well be one of the last holidays we can celebrate with each other for a long time. School on the other hand is tough for me, I've never had such a difficult time. It's not really the school work or the tests but it's more the idea that I have to continuously sit here and stare into my future which is so uncertain. I hate uncertainty... it's almost like a unprecedented doom put upon mankind for his own suffering. I'm not sure what my future is going to be like and now that I've changed my career choice... again... no one really thinks I have what it takes to be something great. I hope one day I will make enough money to show to my family that I am great, intelligent and just like everyone else. It doesn't help that I don't have very motivating friends. Most of my friends are either getting art degrees or going into some half ass degree like automotive.... not that automotive is for dumb people or anything but it has nothing to do with my own interests and they will only be getting about a third (if even that) of the education I'm going to be receiving in my lifetime. I guess what I'm most afraid of is that my family is going to give up on me halfway through my education. I think it's funny how I seem to lose this blog and find it again every few months.... hopefully this time I can keep it updated.

Welp, not much has changed lately. I'm trying to get a new job since I can't stand retail anymore. It's not that I don't enjoy working where I do because I love the place, the managers and my coworkers. It's the customers..... Never before in my life did I imagine that there could be so many rude people and people that simply don't care about anyone else but themselves. I mean I've known that there are mean and cruel people... but I didn't think it was a majority of individuals out there. Never would I dream of a day where I would be walking around in a retail store to find literal crap on the floor.... I mean who does that!? How can someone just let their child run around in public and act like a cow by shitting everywhere and tearing things apart? Our society has gone downhill greatly... maybe when I become a nurse it would be a good idea to actually move to another country like England. Anyways now I'm trying to get a medical job... any job that is. I can't work week days though only nights and 12 hour shifts on weekends. I'm hoping this one medical place for mentally ill patients will hire me on the weekends for 3 12 hour shifts.

So today I was driving home and I had a revolution of ideas about myself. I've always wondered why it is that I can't have a relationship with either a guy or a girl until I got thinking today. In the past years I put myself through so much pain and so much agony that I came to a point in my life where I simply did not care anymore.... I gave up. I felt no more pain and sadness in my struggle in trying to make a contradiction not contradict. How can I be a gay Christian I've always wondered and it split me in two. Every day I would think continuously into this contradiction until one day, I simply did not care any more. It drove me to a point of mental stillness, a simple numbness to the idea of being with someone. I can not see myself ever being with someone until I fix what is going on inside of me but at this point in time I'm not sure if I ever will..... and to be honest I'm not certain that I care either. I'm uncertain if this is a breakthrough or a fallback but at least I'm not thinking about love anymore. The way I figure, my love life is insignificant compared to many things in this world and although it hurts there are so much more important things in my life to think about and consider. Maybe one day I will be with a woman.... or a man... but at this moment in life I seem to push people away in fear that I will actually maybe.. might possibly fall in love with them. I wonder why I do this? If anyone has an attraction toward me I seem to push them away in fear that I may love them back. This scares me... and their love for me scares me. Perhaps all the pain I've gone through trying to figure out who I am has simply made me afraid to love anyone or has made me grown numb to such feelings. Even then, I don't care but only slightly and I often wonder if this is a healthy thing.

Interesting tid bit. I posted that last emo poem ages ago and I think it's time for an update. Alas, I've gotten passed the emo stage and am becoming and actual adult. I can't wait to start my adventure alone by myself in my career and 1st steps into success. Of all the words from tongue and pen, the saddest of them all are it could have been.... I don't believe I'll ever forget those words. They were so shallow and meaningless during the time but they've stuck with me all these years to become one of my most important foundations I base my life's success upon. During times that are dark I should remember these words as well: I will love the light for it shows me the way, I will love the darkness for it shows me the stars. I want to be a star... not something that dims. I realize now that it is only because of that darkness that makes the stars shine so bright. If it weren't for the dark times and the gloom and doom stages of life I would never get my chances to change and become someone even better than I was before. So my prayer is that during the times of trial and error I will use them to my advantage and learn from them. Instead of falling down and becoming weak I will grow from them and become strong. Let many errors come upon my life so that I may grow as a human being so that.... perhaps one day.... I will be called Wise.

Thy Agony

Twas agony, Twas not

This is the death I hath thought.

My love is an image, a mere mockery of life.

Dost thou have pity for mine own wretched strife?

In the midst of thy woe and gripe,

I hath not a single thought that is ripe.

I sway this way and far to that

but for some reason my soul is still flat.

In thy mere image I was made

but in thine own death thy heart is laid.

Not one, no not one mind can comprehend

for no one understands a heart that could not mend.

Thy begging and pleas go unnoticed at least

for this heart is a great, uncaring, abominable feast.

Thy hour approaches when I hath grown thy mark

to Thy will of destruction of my own spirit of hark.